It was a lovely, sunny morning at The Big School. Headmaster Humptytrumpty was enjoying his breakfast, two soft boiled, free range eggs with white bread soldiers. Yum. As Mr Humptytrumpty ate he reached out to pick up the morning newspaper, Brightboy News. Mr Humptytrumpty usually turned to page three first, his favourite page. Who would it feature today? He felt a frisson of excitment!
But today he didn’t get as far as page 3. Mr Humptytrumpty froze. Yolk dripped from his chin unchecked, the soldier dropped to the plate butter side down.
Headlines! Page 1!
“Scandal at The Big School” he read, “Boys in frilly knickers infiltrate girls’ toilets”.
“Tuppence! TUPPENCE!” he shouted, as loudly as he could, “come here RIGHT NOW!”
Mr Two-pence-short-of-a-shilling, the Assistant Headmaster, came running up the back stairs as fast as he could.
“OMG, what now?” he thought. “Yes Headmaster?” he said.
“Knickers!” said Mr Humptytrumpty.
“I beg your pardon?” said Tuppence.
“Knickers, KNICKERS!”, shouted Mr Humptytrumpty. “Specifically, frilly knickers!”
“It says here that boys in frilly knickers are using the girls toilets.” said Mr Humptytrumpty, jabbing his finger at the newspaper. “WHAT’S GOING ON!”
“Well, actually Sir, yes Sir, they are Sir”, replied Tuppence. “It’s one of ex-Headmaster Bo’s rules, boys in frilly knickers are allowed to use the girls toilets, and girls in Y-fronts can use the boys toilets, if it makes them happy to.”
“Well it’s not my rule”, shouted Mr Humptytrumpty, “in my school girls are girls and boys are boys. End of!”
He thumped the breakfast table. Soldiers flew everywhere.
“Get me Head Boy Baboon!”
Five minutes later Tuppence returned with Head Boy Baboon.
“Stand up straight boy!” shouted Mr Humptytrumpty. Baboon brought himself to a smart attention and clicked his heels.
“Yes Sir?” he said.
“Boys in frilly knickers in the girls’ toilets!” said Mr Humptytrumpty. “Girls in y-fronts in the boys’ toilets! It has to stop NOW.”
“Er, but, how Sir?” asked Baboon.
“You must organise a Prefect Patrol, Baboon” said Mr Humptytrumpty. “Prefects outside the girls’ toilets to check every girl BEFORE they go in. Grab ’em by the pussy and check what’s in there!”
“Oooooh Sir!”, said Baboon, “Can we do that?”
“Of course you can”, said Mr Humptytrumpty, “I’ve done it before, it’s easy. Besides, they like it!”
“Yes, Sir!” said Baboon, still standing to attention.
“Boys too”, said Mr Humptytrumpty, “I want to know what’s inside their Y-fronts BEFORE they go in the boys’ toilets!”
“Yes, Sir! Certainly, Sir!” said Baboon, as he saluted, clicked his heels and marched off to organise his Prefect Patrol.
Mr Humptytrumpty stood up, and strode over to his big, leather topped desk. He opened The Big School Rule Book at a clean page, picked up his pen, the fancy gold plated one with the felt tip, and brandished it.
“Well, Mr Two-pence-short-of-a-shilling, we now have a new school rule”, smiled Mr Humptytrumpty, as he scribbled away,
“Girls have to be girls and boys have to be boys! No exceptions!”
Well readers, I have a question for you; is it REALLY anybody else’s business what’s in your frilly pink knickers? Or Y-fronts? I don’t think so. And I don’t think that The Big School’s Govenors will think so either!
Knickers to you Mr Humptytrumpty!