I’ve got a little list

Headmaster D Humptytrumpty and Assistant Headmaster Mr M Two-pence-short-of-a-shilling strode into the Music Room of The Big School, where Head Boy Steve (call me Altright) Baboon and half a dozen prefects, carefully selected by Baboon for their ability to sing in tune (well, almost), were waiting.

“Good grief, Headmaster, ” exclaimed Baboon, “what on earth are you wearing?”

Ko_ko-lord_high_executioner_small“Pish-Tush, you’re showing your lack of education Baboon,” replied Humptytrumpty, “Ko Ko, Town of Titipu, in the days when men were men, pussy was Yum Yum and Lord High Executioners had lists.  I bet the Mikado never had to fight FAKE NEWS.”  He sighed.

“Right chaps,” said Humptytrumpty, dragging himself back the present, “rehearsal time for my next rally, all you have to do is belt out the chorus as loud as you can, and my perfect baritone will do the rest.”  He looked over to Mr Two-pence-short-of-a-shilling who was making himself comfy at the upright piano.  “Ready Tuppence?  E flat major, give me an E, G, B.”

Tuppence hit the keys.   “La, la, la, lalala, LA, LA, LAAAAAAAH,” sang Humptytrumpty, warming up, “right, here goes!”

And he burst into song …


This is the day it  happens that a victim will be found.
I’ve got a little list, I’ve got a little list,
Of society offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed, who never would be missed!
All persons who love shaking hands, who grab at yours like that,
All newpapers which post FAKE NEWS, and floor you with it flat!
The president who taps your phone, then smiles and shakes your hand,
And global warming devotees, who want to save the land.
All singers who on spoiling your inauguration day insist.
They’d none of ’em be missed, they’d none of ’em be missed!

“Now, the chorus, sing up chaps, good and loud”, smiled Humptytrumpty.”

He’s got ’em on the list, he’s got ’em on the list,
And they’ll none of ’em be missed, they’ll none of ’em be missed.

“Next verse coming,” warned Humptytrumpty.

There’s reporters from the New York Times, and others of their race,
And that devil Hilary, I’ve got her on the list!
And the people who think Putin’s mad and shout it in your face
They never would be missed, they never would be missed!
Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone,
All presidents but you, and every party but your own,
And the lady from the provinces, whose pussy’s rather fab,
But who “doesn’t think she wants to”, so will not let you grab,
And that singular anomaly, female environmentalist,
I don’t think she’d be missed, I’m sure she’d not be missed!

“Ha, ha, ha, I like that one!” laughed Humptytrumpty, “OK, chorus again, get it louder this time – expecially you Baboon.”

He’s got her on the list, he’s got her on the list,
And I don’t think she’ll be missed, I’m sure she’ll not be missed!

“Last verse, big finale,” grinned Humptytrumpty, taking a deep breath.

That nuisance of a not real judge, who just now is rather rife
And satirical humorist, I’ve got him on the list!
All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life,
They’d none of ’em be missed, they’d none of ’em be missed.
There’s the pestilential Kim Ill Sung who threatens us with glee,
And the boys – or is it girls? – who flaunt tran-sex-ual-itee,
Politicians who won’t vote with me, such as, well, you know who.
The task of filling up the blanks I’d rather leave to you.
But it really doesn’t matter whom you put upon the list,
For they’d none of ’em be missed, they’d none of ’em be missed!

“Here it comes, final chorus, give it some welly, shake the rafters.”

You may put ’em on the list, you may put ’em on the list,
And they’ll none of ’em be missed, they’ll none of ’em be missed!

“Excellent, and again, last time!”

You may put ’em on the list, you may put ’em on the list,
And they’ll none of ’em be missed, they’ll none of ’em be missed!

Headmaster Humptytrumpty grinned.  “Excellent!  That’ll let ’em know!”


With sincere apologies, and grateful thanks, to Gilbert and Sullivan.


2 thoughts on “I’ve got a little list

  1. Just heard on CNN a commentator referring to the Obama Care repeal/replace debacle as Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Maybe the world is getting the DHT message!

    Liked by 1 person

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