Jezza and the wall

Mr Humptytrumpty sir, it’s Diffydaffy Jezza on the line for you.  He says it’s urgent, he’s asking for advice.


“Hey there Diffydaffy.  Ok, you got a New York minute.”

“Don’t call you Diffydaffy.  What then?”

“Ok buddy.  Jezza it is.”

“You need some advice?  On how to run a campaign as underdog?  How to come out top when everyone says you’re a looser.  Hey man, I got the book on that – ‘Great Again’ – I got some great advice for you.  GREAT ADVICE.  I’m the best.  Everyone says so.  Listen to me and you’re gonna win.  You’re gonna turn it around, and you’re gonna start winning again!”

“Listen Jezza, take my advice and you’re gonna win so much, you may even get tired of winning. And you’ll say, “Please, please. It’s too much winning.   I can’t take it anymore, it’s too much.”

“First Jezza, you need a beautiful wife, a real beautiful wife.”

“You’ve got a wife?  She’s number three?  Foreign?  Good, GOOD!  You gotta make sure she stands behind you and smiles.  Don’t let her talk.”

“Your wife’s what?  Mexican.  Mexican!  No good NO GOOD!  Listen Jezza, if you want rid of her, just send her to the USA, I’ll get her deported, put her over the wall.  Then you can do anything.  Like I do.  How are you at grabbing pussy?”

“You’ve grabbed El Gato a few times?  Good, GOOD.  This El Gato, she’s an incredible lady?”

“El Gato’s your cat.”


“Listen, I think we’d better try something else Jezza.  How about healthcare.  That NHS of yours, it costs billions and billions of dollars.  BILLIONS AND BILLIONS.  That’s a lot of money.  A LOT of money.  Dump it.  Who needs universal healthcare?  If they get sick, let them die.”

“You love the NHS?  SAD.  Jezza, you’re really not trying.”

“OK here’s one you can use.  FAKE NEWS.  You gotta take care of the failing media.  The BBC, The Times, The Guardian, all failed.  Tell it like it is.  It’s all  FAKE NEWS.  BBC’s the worst, they got me bad.”

“No Fake News – you won’t tell lies?  No man, that won’t do.  You gotta lie and you gotta lie BIG.  You gotta learn to tell the BIGGEST LIES you can and shout ’em LOUD.   LOUD AND OFTEN.  Say them often enough and and loud enough and you’ll be believed, believe me.”

“Say what, Jezza, what you really need is something big, trust me.  What you need is a wall, you need a wall. A BIG BEAUTIFUL WALL.  It’ll be great, believe me.”


“Wadda you mean you don’t need a wall?  Sure you do.  And you already got a great wall,  an incredible wall, but you didn’t look after it.  Y’all let it fall down.”

“Uh huh, uh huh, that’s the one, Hadrian built it to keep the Scots out.  Now that was a man with the right idea.  Your voters will love it.”

“Listen, you need to build it up big, real BIG.  You NEED that wall.  Nasty Nicola’s Nationalists, nasty, nasty people, you have to keep em out, cattle rustlers and women stealers to a man.  And they eat haggis for God’s sake.  How can you trust anyone who eats haggis?  Robert the Bruce, he caused big, BIG problems.  BIG terrorist.  BAD man.  Looters and rapists all of them.  Bad people, very bad people.”

“So what if that was 600 years ago.  Trust me, terrorists never change.  YOU NEED THE WALL.”

“Uh huh, that’s right, the Scots pay for it.  Border control at Gretna Green, charge entry to England.  Look, the Welsh make the English pay to enter Wales, you can make the Scots pay to enter England.  And stop those very, very bad gang members getting  in.”

“Sure it’ll work Jezza.  I have great confidence.  It’s what the voters want.”

“Yeh, that’s right, Jezza, you’re going to make a big wall, a beautiful wall, all the way from the Solway to the Tyne.  60 ft high, dry stone wall, no gaps.  Now you’re talking.  It’ll keep the Geordies in work for years.”

“Listen, I gotta go, my golf buggy’s outside.  But I’ve got a contact who can help you.  He’s a great guy.  A real great guy.  Listen to him good, he’ll help.  Knows a lot about emails.”

“Tuppence, get me Putin’s number, Jezza’s gonna need it if he’s to have any chance of winning.”



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