The Big School
The staff are a vital part of The Big School life, and work extremely hard to ensure the smooth running of the school – a difficult task with Mr Donald Humptytrumpty at the helm.
Headmaster: Mr D Humptytrumpty
Mr D Humptytrumpty is the 45th Headmaster of The Big School, took office on 20 January 2017, and despite his lack of relevant experience, The Big School has been “running like a fine tuned machine” ever since. Mr Humptytrumpty was previously in business, and made his considerable fortune by building very, very big sandcastles. Mr Humptytrumpty’s main residence is a blingy gold lined penthouse on the topmost floor of the school’s central building, but whenever possible he spends weekends away at his luxury Beach Hut beside the seaside in the sunny south. Mr Humptytrumpty frequently gets very cross, and is renowned for ‘throwing his toys out’*.
Since taking office Mr Humptytrumpty’s aim has been to “Make The Big School great again!”
*’Throw your toys out of the pram’; colloquial English for a temper tantrum.
The Big School Govenors
The Big School Govenors comprise a large and ever changing collective of well educated and intellegent people, and was created by The Big School’s Founding Fathers. The Govenors mandate is oversee the correct running of the school, and to ensure that all school rules are correctly used and upheld. As the Govenors enjoy tea and cakes in the afternoons, they usually meet in the Cricket Pavillion, also known as “The Swamp” because of its proximity to the swampy and muddy stream that runs alongside The Big School’s cricket pitch. Their great strength is in knowing ALL the school rules; their duty is to keep Mr Humptytrumpty in line, and let him know when “That’s not cricket, sir!”. Unfortunately, Mr Humptytrumpty considers there to be far too many govenors, and he frequently threatens to “Drain the swamp!”.
Assistant Headmaster: Mr M Two-pence-short-of-a-shilling
Known affectionately as ‘Tuppence’ to his friends, Mr Two-pence-short-of-a-shilling is a previously well respected teacher, promoted to Assistant Headmaster by Mr Humptytrumpty. Despite always being tuppence short of the mark, Mr Two-pence-short-of-a-shilling is working hard to support Mr Humptytrumpty, his main duty being to pick up Mr Humptytrumpty’s thrown out toys.
There was a complete change of teaching staff when Mr Humptytrumpty took office. All the teachers appointed by the previous Headmaster, Bo, left and eventually, after many struggles, Mr Humptytrumpty managed to appoint a full new staff.
The teachers are occasionally seen in their classrooms, but more usually are to be found in a group huddling in the West Wing of the school, avoiding contact with pupils as much as possible, keeping their heads down and avoiding trouble. Their pet hate is Altright Baboon, expecially when he has (yet another) ‘good’ idea to be examined in detail. Mr Humptytrumpty prefers teachers to be seen but not heard, and he usually takes The Big School’s morning assemblies himself.
Hall Monitor: currently vacant
The position was originally held by Mr Micky Flynflam, but he resigned under a cloud after only 23 days in office. The full, sad story can be read here.
School Matron: Matron
Matron always has, and always will, be known simply as ‘Matron’. She is responsible for the health and welfare of the schoolchildren, whom she loves dearly, and her aim is to make sure that full healthcare is available for all children and staff of the school. Matron was a great friend of Bo, the 44th Headmaster. Unfortunately for the health of the poorer children, Mr Humptytrumpty has never liked Matron, thinks that Matron is paid far too much, doesn’t work, and he is actively plotting to have her sacked.
School Caretaker: Nigel the Caretaker and Piers the cat
Nigel the Caretaker was thrown out of Brexit Grammar after loosing 7 shouting matches in a row. After seeing him running around trying to find work unsuccessfully, (you can read more here) Mr Humptytrumpty took pity on Nigel and his faithful cat Piers, and agreed to let Nigel be The Big School’s Caretaker, and live in the basement. Now known as ‘Nigel the Caretaker’, Nigel is very, very grateful to be living in The Big School, and loves sweeping the floors that Mr Humptytrumpty walks upon. Nigel the Caretaker is inseparable from his beloved cat, Piers, who accompanies him at all times. The Big School’s pupils are very puzzled by Nigel the Caretaker’s love of warm beer, which he drinks by the pint whenever possible.