The Student Body

At the heart of every school are its pupils.  Without them the school would cease to be, and no school values its pupils more than does The Big School, no matter what their gender, colour or creed.    The Big School has a long history of accepting children of all nations, without exception.


The Big School is arranged into 6 year cohorts, each with an upper and lower class.

Head Boy: Steve (call me ‘Altright’) Baboon

Steve (call me ‘Altright’) Baboon is the most senior pupil, promoted to the honoured position of Head Boy by Mr Humptytrumpty.   Usually known as Altright Baboon, or sometimes just ‘that Baboon’, Altright is Mr Humptytrumpty’s right hand boy and ‘ideas person’, frequently proposing crazy yet intriguing theories as to how The Big School should be run, consequently he has more influence on Mr Humptytrumpty than do the teachers.

Upper Sixth (Business Studies) / Prefects

Mostly boys, all the Upper Sixth (Business Studies) students are prefects.  After Altright Baboon, they are Mr Humptytrumpty’s favourite pupils, and are frequently to be found taking tea with Mr Humptytrumpty in his Big Oval Office in the West Wing of The Big School.  Only those from rich and privileged families can be prefects, therefore they don’t need to study or work hard so they spend most of their time in school chatting amongst themselves.

Lower Sixth (Technology)

Afraid that they won’t make the grade required in order to get a decent job when they leave school, they are too busy studying to be a problem to anyone.

Upper Fifth / Junior Prefects

First line pupil discipline is the responsibility of the Junior Prefects, who carry long-range peashooters at all times.  Their two main tasks are to keep the Oiks and Chavs in the Lower School (see below) under control, and Mr Humptytrumpty informed at all times.

Lower Fifth

Full of adolescent angst, Lower Fifth students refuse to talk to anyone and are usually found skulking behind the bikesheds.  When asked questions they respond with primeval grunts.   Anyone with any sense ignores them completely.

Upper Fourth

There is no Upper Fourth, as all its pupils defected to the Lower Fourth when Mr Humptytrumpty became Headmaster, to help run the school newspaper.

Lower Fourth

Hated by Mr Humptytrumpty, the Lower Fourth pupils were much happier when Bo was headmaster, and hoped that Mrs Rotten Hillary would take over from him.  Mostly well meaning and seekers of truth, they are responsible for the school newspaper, which is hated by Mr Humptytrumpty.  The newspaper is printed on an old printing press hidden in the stinks cupboard in the Science Lab, the one area of the school they can be sure will never be visited by Mr Humptytrumpty who distrusts science.

Those not involved in production of the school newspaper spend their time on the cricket pitch, defending it and the stream that runs alongside it.  Mr Humptytrumpty is convinced that the cricket pitch is a waste of space, so he is trying very hard to sell it off to Big Business to turn into factories and make lots and lots of money.

The Lower School

The Lower School is the collective name for the First, Second and Third years, although it is more commonly refered to as The Oiks* or, sometimes, The Chavs.**

The Oiks are usually ignored by everyone, unless they’re in the school yard fighting with peashooters yet again.  Addicted to gob stoppers and lollipops, they never have enough money and struggle to find enough pennies to spend on sweeties at the school’s Tuckshop.  The First Formers in particular are prone to attacking with peashooters and snatching pennies off other pupils, causing the Deputy Prefects to have to come and sort them out with their big peashooters.

The only person who really cares for the Oiks is Matron, who can be relied on to care for and look after them.  Most Oiks would hate to see Mr Humptytrumpty force Matron out of her job.

* Oik:  A rude, unpleasant, uncouth person often from the lower classes.  Also schoolboy slang for a pupil from another school.

**Chav:  English slang for someone who is brash and showoffy, who wears flashy real or fake designer clothes.